The article is also a continuation of Qualities of a Godly Wife - Can a Godly Wife Embrace Feminism? - Part 1, Part 2a.
5. The Christian Feminist’s Prejudice, Stereotypes and “The Blame Game” are Causes for Ungodly Living and Division in the Church
On a good day, the gossips may just vanish like think air. Yet for all the knowledge about her emotional core, the Elises among us may defend their stance against the godly wife’s questioning.
“I have never seen Sam so friendly with ladies in church ministries. He drives PLNT home after church every Sunday,” Elise shrieked, “I think that lady must be his new fling!”
A godly wife, charged with the duty of teaching younger women, has to ask the gossipers in church these questions: how did Elise arrive at the word “fling”? If Elise has never found evidence that point to a fling, how did she arrive at the terms “must be”? Was it just because of prejudice or stereotype?
This reminds me of composition writing in schools. Plot writers spin conflicts and resolutions between the characters, unfortunate events. You can hardly have a story without conflict. And conflict between characters, can be crafted by character flaws, misunderstandings or people jumping to conclusion, or just prejudice and stereotype.
Yes, Sam’s problems may be borned of prejudice and stereotypes. In recent months, I have made a discovery about a Mandarin phrase “一定是”. It means “must be”, the same phrase Elise used on Sam. And it is an often used tool to create conflict in television drama serials through prejudice and stereotypes.
Must be (一定是) may just be a Prejudiced Phrase for Scriptwriters
Here’s where I made the discovery: Must be is a phrase that repeats itself regularly in a Taiwanese television drama every weekday night, when gangs, triads, murder, fraud, false accusation, assault and generations of hatred and sworn enemies between four families fill most of the air time.
In the first 150 episodes, there was a series of episodes where the phrase must be appeared not regularly, but religiously.
In the first 150 episodes, there was a series of episodes where the phrase must be appeared not regularly, but religiously.
In that unprecedented period, the character’s dialogue would always include must be whenever the protagonists are speculating over their enemy’s hidden identity.
Whenever a protagonist is kidnapped or assaulted, someone among the friends or family would utter “It must be the work of ____________ (insert the random name of an enemy)” with deep hatred burning in the eyes.
Somehow, these protagonists fail to remember they have many other enemies and I wonder how irrational they are to zoom in to one suspect so hastily. With the recent skirmish in mind, the judgement is an emotional opinion.
Somehow, these protagonists fail to remember they have many other enemies and I wonder how irrational they are to zoom in to one suspect so hastily. With the recent skirmish in mind, the judgement is an emotional opinion.
On that “it must be…” cue, another character would add more fuel to the fire, with the magic words “对，一定是他干的！” loosely translated as “Yes, it must be him who did it!”. The characters affirm an emotional opinion without any careful thought. And the friends and families would often believe the protagonists after this affirmation.
Yet for all the surefire opinions of these emotional-wounded characters, the opinions often ends up to be another old or new enemy who committed the atrocities towards the loved ones. This is commonly known as prejudice.
Prejudice is simply making assumptions about people based on negative images, or without enough knowledge. In the case of the TV drama, the protagonists believed their current enemies can do no right and are responsible for every problem they face. More conflict ensues as the protagonists battle the wrong enemy and soon, the wrong enemy takes revenge on the protagonists and both sides develop new feuds faster than any contagious disease.
And prejudice clearly infected Elise. She had always maintained a negative view of Sam. She saw only the friendly banter and believed Sam must have brought a girl to church for the wrong reason, even though there are countless possibilities. Just the mere sight of Sam with a pretty lady automatically meant Sam was having a “fling”. Elise jumped to conclusions based on prejudice, and it led to many people believing in Elise’s story. Imagine that, Christians praying to God humbly, yet holding on to pride and prejudice.
That’s the power of prejudice.
Prejudice is contagious
Since the advent of feminism, fashion magazine editors live to teach women how to dress for half a century, while feminists live to teach women how to think. Following the traditions of the Modern Feminists, Elise, the chief scriptwriter and lead actress of her life, lives to teach women how to start conflicts with prejudice the catalyst.
Elise’s script pans out just like the above-mentioned TV dramas, and many other TV dramas today. She judged Sam to have a “fling”. She steadfastly asserts her authority and prejudice flew airborne like a contagious virus.
Fellow women don’t know what hit them. They caught the prejudice bug and marked their stamp of approval with zombie-like submission. They surrendered their reasoning skills to Elise, agreed with Elise based on how Elise thought of Sam. Elise is the guiding light for their thinking just as fashion magazine editors are the fashion police to their dress sense.
“He must be having a fling” chanted Elise.
The followers echoed, “对，他一定是花心大萝卜!”
Such misjudgements, commonplace in TV dramas, plagiarized shamelessly into real-life dramas in church. Of all places, it is bewildering how this can happen in church circles. Christians, who are supposed to be loving and wise, end up knifing each other out of prejudice.
Just an inch away to the climax of this Sam’s 100-episode church drama, more of their church friends started believing in the protagonists and their prejudiced judgment of Sam.
I thought only TV dramas rely on formulaic plot progression based on prejudice and misjudgement. How amazing it is for Sam’s real life church dramas to be just as formulaic as reel life dramas.
In a recent drama serial filmed locally, a man owned money to his landlady. The man’s friend passed a cheque to him. He passed the landlady the cheque, unaware it was a dud.
In a recent drama serial filmed locally, a man owned money to his landlady. The man’s friend passed a cheque to him. He passed the landlady the cheque, unaware it was a dud.
When the cheque bounced, the landlady, with her limited information, confronted the man with policemen, “You must be trying to cheat me!”
Looks like local productions use similar tactics to incite conflict and drama. In the same vein, some Christians imitated the drama serial characters. Perhaps they were already prone to prejudice in the first place, and the drama serials simply affirmed their philosophy of life. The church ladies jumped to conclusions about Sam, “He must be a jerk! Elise said so.”
Humans – Modern Feminists and Christian Feminists included – are masters of imitation. Somehow, we have an innate ability to imitate whatever we see in TV dramas and real-life dramas at work. Our resolves are constantly swayed.
Despite the media theorists’ insistence that men and women can be mature enough to choose their behavior despite exposure to negative values and culture in TV dramas, they still cannot explain the imitation that takes place.
Despite the media theorists’ insistence that men and women can be mature enough to choose their behavior despite exposure to negative values and culture in TV dramas, they still cannot explain the imitation that takes place.
We may be masters at spreading gossips and poor judgements, but we can overcome that with the's Bible's guidance and renewal of our souls. Haven’t anyone taught Christians Deuteronomy 13:12-14? Godly wives, you can make a difference in teaching younger women and your children how to handle hearsays! More of that will be covered in section 7.
Yet for all the prejudiced statements against Sam, Sam’s church drama was still a foot off the climax. His past comes back to haunt him in people’s stereotyped image of him.
Must be (一定是) may also be a Stereotyped Phrase for Scriptwriters
I was puzzled at how often Must be (一定是) appeared in Sam’s life.
Then I reflect back and found other synonyms of Must be in drama serials as well as church conflicts.
“肯定是他！ 除了他， 还有谁会做这样的事。”
“绝对没错！”
And when you press the gossipers for their absolutely assured and conclusively confirmed judgement on people, they struggle for anything convincing.
Prejudice may not be the only virus in the gossipers’ heart. The surefire Must be and the synonyms may be based on stereotypes.
“My first boyfriend is a Hakka. He’s such a MCP (local term for Male Chauvinist Pig, which describes an extremely chauvinistic man)! All Hakkas are MCPs. So don’t ever marry a Hakka man, if you still want your dignity as a modern woman.”
Stereotype is a wee different from prejudice. A stereotype is a popular belief or image of certain groups or individuals. The groups can include race, dialect groups – Hakka is just one of many Chinese dialect groups in Singapore – and religious groups. I know of Christian Feminists who had bad experiences with Hakkas, their first love or in-laws, and decide everything based on stereotypes. So anything associated with them must be avoided, discriminated and spat on.
“My Teochew mother-in-law is terrible. She finds fault in everything I do. Please protect yourself, guys. Never marry a Teochew gal!”
“All mother-in-laws are bad. I know that because mine is. If you marry a guy, make sure he promises to move out of his mother’s home!”
How do one chauvinistic Hakka man, one fault-finding Teochew granny, and one oppressive mother-in-law make the whole populations of Hakka men, Teochew women and all mother-in-laws evil and undesirable?
At times, these stereotypes are influenced by cliché statements or negative childhood experiences with just a few members of an entire population or demographic. Here are a few more stereotypes that have survived world wars, tsunamis and earthquakes and nuclear plant explosions:
· “The Chinese have slit eyes.”
· “All Chinese are hard-core gamblers!” (I heard this from a Caucasian teacher in the 1990s).
· All White men are racists.
· Blonds are dumb.
· All African Americans are good at sports.
· A gang member will always return to gang activities, even after a jail term or counseling.
· “Mum told me since young if I didn’t behave, she would send me to be captured by the evil Indians. Hence I don’t trust Indians”
· “My grandfather grew up during the Japanese Occupation of Singapore in difficult times. Hence he sees all Japanese as enemies and refuses to have a single Japanese product in his house!”
· “Singaporeans are a bunch of no-good people. They love to bully Malaysians, Chinese nationals and foreign workers. That’s what my aunt and the newspapers say!”
It is weird how in today’s world, I can hear people pass discriminating statements about other races or nationals in church. Godly wives, the Bible has spoken that “you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Stereotypes are not part of Christian living.
Yet Christians of different races are not always treated as part of the church by their brethren. And Christians are gossiped, slandered, pierced silently in the back with penknives of prejudice, and shot in the heart with sinister stun guns of stereotypes.
At the climax of Sam’s church drama, Sam was never spared by the stereotyped thinking of Elise and her friends.
“Sam had a track record of failed relationships. It must be his fault (一定是他的错)”
“Oh, Sam had gang members among his school mates. He shoplifted in his teens, don’t you know? ‘A leopard cannot change its spots’. I’ve never believed he is capable of anything good. If he failed in his relationship, it must be (“一定是”) his fault!”
It is a mystery to me how the Sam’s unglamorous past of three failed relationships and a juvenile record means he must be totally at fault for his last relationship. Even at A level Mathematics and Statistics, I have learnt how a small sample size of three events – or three relationships in Sam’s case – hardly counts as a track record.
And is there any truth in “a leopard cannot change its spots”? The phrase was lifted from Jeremiah 13:23 into an English Proverb, but they are different in meaning.
The full verse from Jeremiah 13:23 uses leopards and their spots in reference to the Israelites who were “accustomed to do evil”. The Bible’s use of leopard and its unchangeable spots is a metaphor to say it is difficult for the Israelites to change. The word “accustomed” already shows the Israelites’ evil was more closely linked with habit, rather than nature. It is by no means an affirmation that a person’s inborn nature cannot change at all. Jeremiah 13:27 affirms this with the prophet’s cry for the Israelites to be made clean. The Israelites’ “spots” can be changed.
It may be proved in Science that leopards don’t change spots, but we are humans, not leopards. The truth is, God is able to change people:
That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.(Ephesians 4:22-24)
The other truth is, Sam’s last relationship may have little to do with his juvenile record.
Christians should also be wise enough to know, the failure of a romantic relationship may not always rest on just one person.
Elise shook her head in disagreement. She retorted, “Sam is a stubborn person who doesn’t want people to preach to him about the Bible. He can’t be a good boyfriend.”
Yes, at times Sam may have refused to listen, even on matters I tell him about. But I find that with prayer and wisdom, there are times I can win him over. Even with a stubborn nature, that does not mean he will be always at fault for every quarrel that led to his broken relationships.
In romantic relationships, the events that lead to breakups are so intertwined that outsiders cannot untangle them and play judge easily. Seriously, sometimes both parties have their own roles to play that led to the broken relationship.
Past relationships and current ones may not have the same exact events. The courtships may have the same type of flowers, the same romantic dating venues, the same words of sweet nothings, but the lovers are different. Can a man who dated his ex for two years date in the same fashion with a new love? No, every lady can have different responses and preferences
A few Biblical Principles on Conflict
I have a few questions to ask, and biblical truths to tell these Christian Feminists, self-made “judges” who trialed Sam and his latest breakup and deemed him responsible in the style of Pontius Pilate – an unjust trial.
· Has anyone ever made the effort to sit down with both parties to hear each side of the story, in the procedure described in Matthew 18:15-18?
· If the “judges” listen to only one party and pass a judgement without listening to Sam’s story, don’t they know it is a pervasion to justice (Lev 19:15)? It is difficult to win men over to godly living if we show favoritism to the women all the time, regardless of who is right or wrong.
· Has anyone restored him to God and point to him which Bible principles has he done wrong or sinned (Gal 6:1)? Or were they only speaking personal traditions in relationships?
· Was the finger-pointing and judgment done with the prejudice and stereotypical views that the Bible has spoken against?
The world may say, prejudice and stereotypes are hard to change. But we know God can change us (Ephesians 4:22-24). Godly wives can tell the Christian Feminists to be humble and accept correction by the church, for the Bible says:
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
(2 Timothy 2: 23-26)
Godly wives: Throw Stereotyped Thinking Out of your Sisters, or the fellowship would be fruitless
Christians can rise above the short-sighted judgement we see in drama serials and the Christian Feminists. It’s just irrational to imitate drama characters and their prejudice, or let our prejudice and stereotyped thinking be affirmed by dramas and culture. Such one-sided judgements are un-Christian behavior. Our Lord Jesus Christ did not yield to stereotypes, so we who should imitate Christ should follow Him.
Borned a Jew, Jesus Christ did not yield to the Jewish perception against the Samaritans, despite His disciples’ comments (John 4:27-42). Our Lord has set the example against unloving stereotypical views of people.
Therefore, It is imperial we keep in touch with reality – God’s view on stereotypes. There is no difference between the races and God will “render to every man according to his deeds” (Romans 2: 6-11). In verse 9, we are clearly told:
Tribulation and anguish, upon every soul of man that doeth evil, of the Jew first, and also of the Gentile
That is God’s righteous judgement (Romans 2:5). It is evil for the women in Sam’s church to declare him an “unworthy man” just because of three failed relationships and an old record. Is love determined by a number? Is true love measurable by the number of courtships and marriages?
Using numbers to prove a track record in relationships is weird. If a Christian man gets attached, gets married, and his wife dies quickly, and then he again gets attached, gets married, and repeats the cycle whenever a new wife dies, he would have countless girlfriends and wives to his name. So if this man has more girlfriends and wives than his fingers and toes can count, does that mean he has the greatest track record in relationships and is the most desirable male in church history?
Sam isn’t playing football with his ex-girfriend on a run of three consecutive hat-tricks. And we aren’t watching a football match with the statistic-obsessed media.
Perfectly unreasonable, yet the Christian Feminists think it’s perfectly fine, as long as they can find a few women who agree with them, they consider it the truth, regardless of what the Bible says. Godly wives, bear in mind this twisted thinking of the Christian Feminist. Do not accept the Christian Feminists’ opinions too readily.
The stereotyped thinking of Christian Feminists can lead them to jump to conclusions with the wrong use of track records, and traditional sayings that include leopards, spots, or other unbiblical ideas. When reason is absent, the Modern Feminists’ conclusion is easily based on prejudice and stereotypes, among other blind spots. And the Modern Feminists are adept at these arts of conflict.
Another tool, used by Modern Feminists (men are guilty of that at times), is playing “The Blame Game”.
“The Blame Game”
If every church echoes the Christian Feminist’s attitude in judgments based on whims and fancies, Sam must brace himself to be crowned The Scapegoat of the Year for the next eleven years!
That’s the essence of “The Blame Game”. Find a scapegoat to blame for the problems. Let him be responsible for failures, broken deadlines and photocopiers that broke down.
The Modern Feminists loved to blame men for failures. When the door isn’t open for women, it’s the men’s fault (recall my brush with Jane). When a female political candidate fails to get elected, it’s the sexist men’s fault. When a relationship fails, it’s again the men’s fault.
Yet for all the motes (刺) the Modern Feminists and Christian Feminists see in men, they failed to see the beams (梁木) in their eyes (Matthew 7:3). The Christian Feminists saw the previous failures of Sam in his life, yet they failed to see they had formed emotional opinions over Sam’s issues that had been buried and repented. They failed to see they had been prejudiced and holding on too tightly to stereotyped images of men. They failed to see they are giving false testimony and playing “The Blame Game”.
Be it prejudice, stereotypes or “The Blame Game”, Christian Feminists (and men alike) are prone to misjudgments. We can be too quick to form an emotional opinion based on nothing consequential and spread it as facts or push the responsibility away. We cannot allow our tongue too much freedom. The Bible says:
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)
Just think for a second before you read on, how often have we heard anyone utter the three-character phrase must be (“一定是”) and commit the sins of gossiping and slandering? Whenever anyone says that, are they absolutely sure of their opinions are the truth and not inspired by prejudice, stereotypes and “The Blame Game”? If that is so, how easy it is for us to fall into the sin as mentioned in Proverbs 10:19!
Stop your tongue when you are unsure. Do not use “Must be” to comment on anything that we cannot prove rationally. Cover your mouths if it will spill prejudice and stereotypes. Refrain from speaking too hastily your judgements without enough facts and sound reasons. Speak the truths as truths, and speak the opinions as opinions. In section 7, I will raise some pointers about giving opinions.
Church Members and Church Unity are at stake
Godly wives can play a big role in reminding their sisters-in-Christ when they speak too quickly. If not, such whisperings can easily destroy church members and unity in the church:
By the blessing of the upright the city is exalted: but it is overthrown by the mouth of the wicked.He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. (Proverbs 11:11-13)
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.(James 3:6)
A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends.(Proverbs 16:28)
Proverbs 16:28 is clear that gossips and slander disrupt the unity among church members. A truly godly wife would rise above all these discord. She would watch her own speech, to be free of prejudice and stereotypes, as well as “The Blame Game”.
She knows that gossips based on them are just a recipe for conflict in the church. Proverbs 26:20-21 tells her:
Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.
The case study of Sam and Elise is just one example of many fiascos where Christians destroy each other with gossip and slander and treat each other like burning coals and wood. A church of comfort became a cauldron of conflict. Christians who prayed for Sam end up preying on his self-esteem and reputation. Sam does not believe in his church anymore.
Step into Sam’s shoes, and feel the heat he’s absorbing from the acerbic remarks week after week. The Christian Feminists, as well as the church leaders who believed the feminists blindly, broke the trust and confidence Sam had in the church. If left unchecked, broken trust and confidence will tear apart any form of unity in the church fellowship.
Sam can forgive the Christian Feminists, but the trust and confidence is broken. It can’t be mended overnight. The worst thing church leaders can do is to pretend nothing happened and let the troublemakers do nothing to repair damages.
“It’s none of our business to help people reconcile. I’m here just to ensure my fellowship ministries run well. I want the accounts well-done, the minutes of meeting typed, the logistics safe, the programmes smooth,” a church leader trained in secular management methods explained with the coldness of an Arctic cod fish, “As long as I have completed my ministry tasks, I have done my job.”
Asked to take a stand on Sam, he shrugged his shoulders about Sam and said nonchalantly in typical PR management, “If anyone has a problem with another, I’ll just make sure they don’t communicate with each other.
“As long as we are serving and united in my fellowship aims, things are fine. Don’t ask people at conflict out for dinner together after church so we have less of a problem at hand.”
The church is not a refrigerator
But the church is not a refrigerator where we divide food. We leave our ice-cream in the freezing units like how Sam was left out for meals.
We keep our fruits in the refrigerator where they are free to fellowship and mingle with the vegetables, while Sam was left out in the cold of the freezer, pun intended.
Neither is the church an events company where it doesn’t matter if anyone is at conflict or suffering as long as the events run well.
God says this about exclusive groups and division in the church:
That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another. And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it. (1 Corinthians 12:25-26)
We have to make Bible-based decisions to revive the fellowship and build unity in the church on God’s ways. Exclusive Christian groups built by disputes, conflicts and a PR approach to conflict management are not godly living. Trust the biblical truths over secular and practical methods, and God will guide us (Proverbs 3:5-6).
No amount of potluck can strengthen a fellowship if the members are murdered with prejudices and stereotypes. No amount of hospitality can strengthen a fellowship if the members welcome newcomers yet whip them with caustic remarks borned of prejudice and stereotypes. No amount of fellowship banners, motivational speeches and quality programmes and fellowship themes can strengthen a fellowship as long as trust and confidence are wiped out by gossip and slander, just like Sam’s case.
We can’t afford to fall into the trap of the Pharisees who believe outward display of service is enough. Jesus said this of them:
Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. (Matthew 23:26)
How can we be ready to revive the fellowship when we don’t clean ourselves and get rid of feminism and the accompany issues which create divisions in the church? How can we stress ministries over daily devotions to change our heart with godliness when God said:
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
The Bible is clear. Our outward service and practical methods will fall flat and fail unless we are cleaned (Matthew 23:26) and made ready for good works (2 Timothy 2:21). There is no godly love in feminism and the PR approach to unity.
Hebrews 10:25 is often quoted to stress the need for fellowship among Christian. But without love and people made ready for good works, we would not be fellowship-ping in God’s manner (Hebrews 10:24). It would just be any community group, and different from God’s fellowship.
That said, the church must also not fall into the trap of one of the most harmful feminist statement of all time: “Women are always right”. That’s probably at the top of all cliché feminist statements. And there is no need to argue or enter a debate with a Christian Feminist who believes she can say anything she likes.
For one simple reason. The. Bible. Has. Never. Proclaim. Women. Are. Always. Right. End of debate.
Updated: January 23, 2012 at 5pm
To be continued... Part 2c
Updated: January 23, 2012 at 5pm
To be continued... Part 2c
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